I remember clearly the antics my husband and I went through to get my middle child to eat when he was a toddler. Mealtimes were an absolute circus - one of us sitting in front of his high chair with plastic baby spoons, colorful noisy toys, and assorted foods in hand, and the other standing to the side providing constant entertainment and distraction in the hopes that the other parent might be successful getting an adequate amount of nutrition into that little boy. I can't believe we used to do this song and dance three times a day, for years, spending far too much time and energy and shedding more tears than you would think possible. There were times I wanted to force feed my little guy, and times that I actually tried - I was so overwhelmed and distraught.
It shouldn't be this hard.
We've come such a long way since those days, but I haven't forgotten the frustration and utter helplessness I felt trying to accomplish such a basic task that should have been a source of pleasure and connection. I mean, who doesn't like food?!? Sure, kids might be picky about certain items - I knew that much, but this was over the top.
Why won't my child eat?
Trying to figure out the answer to that question (and others!) is one of the main reasons I ended up becoming so passionate about nutrition and health. And during the course of this journey, I have discovered that there are very specific explanations for my son's aversion to food back then. And there are reasons the parents and children in your life are experiencing the same kind of thing. Let's get down to it.
First of all, we can quickly bypass all of the ordinary explanations for a child's lack of appetite.
He's not hungry.
She's too distracted.
He needs a nap more than food in that moment.
She doesn't feel well. (Put a pin in that!)
That food isn't his favorite.
She's manipulating mom and dad with obstinate behavior.
Sure, those are all valid explanations, but that's not the type of food aversion I'm addressing here. I'm talking about something much more chronic and upsetting. Children who refuse to eat breakfast, have a bag a pretzels, applesauce, and a juice box for lunch, and pick at dinner like everything on their plate is absolutely poisonous...and then repeat this same behavior day after day after day. These are the children I'm talking about. Humans are designed to eat at regular intervals, and your children need nourishment from food daily in order to feel and function well. Please don't let anyone tell you differently.
Here are some possible triggers contributing to this distressing behavior:
There is a developmental delay and/or sensory processing challenge. Learning how to chew and swallow is a skill that requires some practice, and not all children master it as easily as we might hope. It is not unusual for these delays to be accompanied by sensory issues as well. The unfamiliar texture, taste, and temperature of new foods can be overwhelming enough that the child would rather go hungry than eat them. In my opinion, this is not normal behavior, but it is becoming more and more common. (See number 3 below)
The child is stuck in a parasympathetic state. If you think back to high school, you might remember parasympathetic mode as the "fight, flight, or freeze" state. Humans are elegantly designed to handle this kind of stressor in isolated acute situations, but when the (real or imagined) pressure to survive is ruthless and unrelenting, our body systems begin to go haywire, prioritizing the production of our stress hormones over just about everything else that's considered less important - like reproduction (hello, hormonal dysfunction!), immunity (catching every illness that comes around the block), and digestion (cue loss of appetite). Children who experience this level of nervous system dysregulation are not interested in food because something in their environment has produced physiological symptoms associated with fear and danger. Food is not important or attractive when you feel like your life is at risk. And that's how these kids often feel. You'll see evidence of their distress in their body language and emotional outbursts.
The child is dealing with a very imbalanced gut microbiome and possibly infection. Was the child born via C-section or vaginally? Was he vaccinated? Was he breastfed or bottle fed? Was he given multiple rounds of antibiotics for recurrent ear infections? What was the health of the parents like prior to and following conception? These are all significant inputs that can negatively impact the child's gut, and they do have lasting implication on appetite and cravings if not appropriately addressed. Oftentimes these kiddos with a poor appetite suddenly perk up if the meal du jour is something highly processed and carb-heavy...think white bread, cookies, crackers, chips, breaded chicken nuggets, french fries, mac and cheese, pizza, and so on. It's possible they have an overgrowth of candida, and candida loves simple sugars! Or they might have an infection of some kind - be it fungal, viral, or parasitic. In general, food tends to exacerbate their digestive distress, so they would rather go hungry than make their discomfort even worse. They don't feel well. But ironically, junk food feeds the bad microbes and gives the child a temporary sensation of comfort and satisfaction, even if that nutrient-poor meal just made things worse.
I'm so relieved and proud to say my once selective eater no longer dreads mealtimes. In fact, he looks forward to them. Like many kids, he isn't super adventurous with new items, but he eats a wide variety of whole foods that offer real nutrition. And every now and then he is willing to add something novel to his plate. For that, I am so grateful! It's been a long and difficult journey figuring out all of these challenges, but isn't that how it goes? The hard things are the most treasured things, and I have learned so much that I otherwise would never have known! I hope something here will help you and the families who are struggling to understand why their children won't eat.
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